He’s just not that into you

Pardon the brief hiatus in providing high quality content, read: run on sentences and profanity, times have been a bit weird lately lots of flux and lots of bullshit, which is discussed below. For shorter quips and such please do tune in to my instascram @the_illest_blog also clickable here. I like to think I’m funny so it’s worth a quick look…maybe?

Anyway back to your regular programming:

He’s just not that into you

Most people by their late twenties have experienced a breakup, maybe with a romantic partner or even just a bestie that turned into a a major a-hole. Let me tell you, heartbreak is no joke. As someone who literally got broken up with on Valentine’s Day for being chronically ill and no fun any more (yeah I know, what a dick right?), breakups are the worst, and yeah yeah whatever we grow from them, they teach us, whatever, blah blah blah.

If you’ve tuned into this silly blog of mine for a while you’re maybe like wait, isn’t she married to her home health aide husband? Yes, I am still married. Today is not about a partner or a best friend, it’s about someone dare I say even more important: my Primary Care Physician.

On Tuesday July 16th, 2019, at 2:44pm I read the words that made my heart sink.

Dr.Lang will be leaving the practice, to relocate to California to be closer to family.

Uh, EXCUSE ME, what the literal fuck? No one consulted me about this? How dare he just throw away all we’ve built the past three years togethers? And to break up with me via public announcement on the website?! That’s worse than that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie gets broken up with via post-it note. I was in shock, denial, and all around emotional disarray all at once. I exclaim “YOU CAN NOT BE FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!” And only a little concerned my husband looks up from his work like, “candy crush?” (Obviously I’m never over dramatic at all…) to which I respond, still shouting mind you, that the worst has happened, and read aloud the heart-wrenching news. To this my husband responds, “Ok so we’re moving to California?”

You may read this and think it’s silly, it’s just a doctor, who gives a shit, there are loads of them. Why on earth would someone be in such shambles over, well…this? For me Dr. Lang was a lot more than just a doc. When you have such a long ass list of ailments like most in our club do, you typically have a lot of doctors. With so many, some experiences are not so great. They can even be so awful and traumatic they can result in forms of medical PTSD.

When I moved to a new city in 2016 I was petrified at the idea of having to find a new primary care physician. I had to leave a rheumatologist I loved in Cleveland and start over, which after having a horrific experience prior to that doc I was not super excited about it: enter Dr. Lang. I did research, stalked his ass online like you do for your friends tinder dates, and thought YOLO let’s do it. Who knew I would find one of the most dedicated docs I’ve ever worked with.

It’s unfortunately all too common that medical professionals don’t believe patients with rare autoimmune disorders leaving them undiagnosed, untreated, and in pain for years on end. Dr. Lang never doubted a word I said, and stopped at nothing even the classic “your bloodwork looks fine,” mystery that happens so often. It’s that dedication to your patients’ quality of life that was something I’d never really had before. No doctor ever responded to my online patient portal questions at 11PM on a Saturday night, or even figured out that all my symptoms for the past 8 years meant MCAS, not just shrug and say I don’t know.

When 98% of your life is managing your health, your partners in that battle with you are your doctors and caregivers. So yeah, this does feel like a personal loss, a breakup if you will. I am sad as fuck, I am losing such a great partner, and dedicated member of my team. Not to mention he’s the one that gives me all my drugs. I know I’m one of many patients, but I think it’s pretty remarkable when a care provider makes your care feel like a priority and that’s something that sucks to lose.

If there are any budding medical professionals out there reading the utter nonsense I write on here, be a Dr. Lang for your patients not a Dr. Asshat. You don’t know which ones might blog about you. (See bio for more info on Dr. Asshat)

Lying to my Mother and Other Loved Ones

In honor of this Mother’s Day I thought I’d give a little shoutout to the woman that has been with me on this journey since day one, paid for a lot of it, and may be even more emotionally taxed by it all than me, my momma. Although I have an incredibly close relationship with my mother, non traditional family structure, etc. I find myself lying to her the most about how I am at any given point time with regard to my health. And she definitely knows it.

Ross Geller the polarizing paleontologist from “Friends”, who is def NOT fine.

Much like in “The one where Ross was fine” when you have loved ones so invested in how you are you want to be fine to lift some of that emotional weight we know they carry. Even though, like Ross, a lot of the time we’re definitely not fine. Now this kind of lie or “pretend fine” is totally different from when some rando asks how you are and you know they couldn’t give two shits so you just say, “oh yeah I’m fine” because they don’t want to know. This is different it’s a loving lie.

I think when you’re in this kind of dumpster fire of a health situation for a while one can err on the side of glossing over the gory details. I know I find myself doing it all the time even at the doctor, like “How are you?” I reply, “Good thanks,” what the fuck? No! Why did I say that? I’m not good. Even more so with our family and loved ones it’s like you don’t want to be a perpetual bummer to create more worry and concern. So it’s “yeah, I’m ok” or “oh I’m just having a little flare” or “it’s nothing just a little inflammation” all of those most likely translating to something a hell of a lot shittier.

It’s all these little subconscious lies and understatements that I find myself saying, because I worry about other people’s worry. Which brings me back to my mom. She has started to really catch on to this habit and our phone calls are often comical interrogations of if I’m actually fine or Ross fine (we really love Friends if you hadn’t noticed), questions about incriminating instagram likes with regard to my insomnia, to reminders about inflammation causing non AIP diet friendly foods seen in my snapchats. I love her tenacious and unwavering commitment to my care and am so thankful to have someone with google alerts for every one of my diagnoses. Have had to explain the whole Jewish mom thing to my primary care doc when I come in with a page of prewritten notes and follow up questions.

Yet, behind all the practical solutions, long phone calls, always answering a text with the perfect gif when I’m bumming hard, I know there is a huge emotional weight, and this applies to a few people closest to me but she’s the OG. So I find myself wanting to say, “oh yes I definitely got 8hrs of sleep last night” when in reality it was, “my back was in spasm so I laid on my kitchen floor and got about 2.5hr of non consecutive sleep.” Because lezbehonest what mom wants to hear that? NOBODY. But being the OG she outsmarts me every time and finds out one way or another. I’m thinking she has a mole on the inside in the form of my husband/home health aide.

Just one example of the multitudes of gifs my mother has sent me, who doesn’t love a penguin with an IV when I was also at the hospital with an IV?

I guess as much as I and perhaps other chronically ill folks try to protect those around us from the burden that is sharing in our journey and our daily battles, you also have to do right by yourself and be honest about your experience. As much fun as lying is, I don’t know that we’re really fooling anyone. So shoutouts to all the moms (and other loved ones) who care for their chronically ill bebes, you’re the real MVP.