“I feel like I’m in a Relationship with your answering machine.”

This remark by none other than the polarizing Ross Geller of NBC’s Friends, is not only so 90’s, but it also perfectly describes the relationship I, and basically anyone trying to get an appointment in specialized medicine, probably have with at least one of our physicians’ offices. When I think about the collective amount of time I’ve spent on hold, at the mercy of the scheduling people, or the billing people, or the insurance people it takes me to a bad place. Like a fuck this I’m gonna eat a pack of Oreos with ice cream, and get hives, then pick at the hives until I look like a leper, kind of place.

My most recent one sided relationship happens to be with my neurologist who needs to see me before refilling meds, funny part is her next appointment isn’t for…wait for it…drum roll…almost 5 months! So as one might imagine this is a teeeeny bit problematic as without said meds my brain and central nervous system misbehave quite a bit. After a brief hold of 55 mins (under 60 is brief) I explained the time sensitive nature of the situation and was advised to call back daily to see if there are any cancellations. Cool cool cool cool cool. So just like Ross (in yet another relationship blunder) I again find myself asking: What do I do now?

Before I continue I feel like it’s important I recognize two things: the first is that I know healthcare administrative staff are doing their best, it’s not their fault as so many are working for systems that aren’t patient centered. The second is I also recognize I’m not the only patient, there are so many others suffering this same bullshit which only makes me more upset when I’m on hold for an hour because that means someone else is on hold for two hours. It’s bullshit man.

Being chronically ill starts to become a full time job when the only solution you’re offered is to spend an hour on hold every day to maybe be able to snag a cancellation. Lest we forget we’re doing this on top of already feeling like garbage, managing our meds, and all the other regular adult human shit like paying rent and feeding yourself. The “solution” I was offered doesn’t feel very solution-y to me, but at the moment it’s all we got. Unfortunately I can’t take a break from my neurologist a la Ross & Rachel. I can at the very least rewatch Friends while I’m on hold and thank my lucky stars I have unlimited calling on my cellular plan.

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